In what ways were your parents strict or relaxed?

“It’s only five minutes,” I replied. That was a mistake. She dressed me down with a look and said, “If you expect to go out with friends again, you will be home by curfew.”

There were ways in which they were lenient, for example, allowing us to use the family car on Friday and Saturday nights (I sometimes wondered if I was popular only because of my bright yellow ‘72 Dodge Colt), but curfew was not one of them.

Midnight was the witching hour. Had digital clocks been prevalent in the 1970s, we would have been timed to the microsecond. That was Mom. Don’t cross her.

Dad was easier going. He avoided conflict and relied on Mom to be the disciplinarian.* There was no “wait until your father gets home” in our family. I never understood what was supposed to be so terrifying about dads. In his conflict-free quest, Dad would sometimes stop us from arguing with one another. As a parent, I understand how annoying screaming children can be. However, at the time, I felt Dad squelched my feelings and dismissed me.

Generally, Mom and Dad valued feelings. I recall sitting on their bed, tearing paper into tiny pieces, and describing my angst about violin lessons. They listened to my words and actions, drew out my feelings and thoughts, and ultimately affirmed my desire to quit. 

My parents were neither authoritarian nor permissive. They were authoritative, sharing control of decisions with us. We were expected to meet respectful behavior patterns with others and with them. We were also allowed to disagree vehemently with them in many if not most, instances. 

There were sacrosanct rules, like a midnight curfew and a ban on physical fights. I also made choices for myself, like the color of my bedroom paint (obnoxious avocado neon green) and the length of my hair. They allowed me to choose shoulder-length hair despite the judging eyes of other parents about the morality of boys with long hair. All the rules were within the context of two-way loving respect, taking schoolwork seriously, and attending church regularly.

*Ironically, his utter reliance on her led to conflict between them.