Three weeks post-injury

After she ties the protective trash bag around my arm and cast, I finish stripping and climb into the shower. She keeps a watchful closeness from the other side of the curtain.

I’ve become quite adept at brushing my teeth, bathing, and dressing myself with only my left hand and arm. And a little help with buckles. I’ve learned to avoid the jeans that require help with the zipper. It makes me feel too much like a toddler.

Today was a good day: I capably finished my ablutions with only a few calls for help. I felt competent!

I’ve been thinking these weeks since fracturing my elbow and my subsequent surgery about Nancy Eiseland’s reminder in The Disabled God that we are all “temporarily abled”. We begin life immobile, vulnerable, and utterly dependent. In our middle and elder years we may convince ourselves that we are invincible for a time. But it’s a lie. To be human, to be created in the image of God is to be vulnerable and dependent upon one another and earth of which we’re a part.

This year has been hard for me.

I love running. The feeling of my body moving me across the ground brings a sense of wholeness, strength, and connection. With each step, especially on dirt trails, I feel kinship with Mama Gaia, the earth. But though I trained for and ran a Half-Marathon at 65-years old in May, a month later I fell off a 3 foot stool landing on my back. I was sidelined for three months. Just beginning to recondition my body, I slipped on a wet floor and fractured my elbow this month resulting in surgery. I will be restricted for another three months.

So, to feel competent at bathing myself is in itself success. I am experiencing significant feelings of loss of self-image, the mental health benefits of running, and personal care. I cannot cut vegetables to prepare my favorite vegan dishes or drive safely.

I relished the feelings of competence this morning because I know that grief stalks me. Tears of frustration overcame me again this evening as I struggled to roll over in bed. Life is hard. I don’t like where I am at the moment. Not at all.

But three days ago I needed help buckling my jeans and today I fully dressed myself unassisted. I’ll take it.