I don’t know what the argument was about. I know it was a conflict between siblings and that parents had been drawn in, but it doesn’t matter. What I know is that my seven-year-old grand was sobbing with her face buried in the corner of the couch when I stepped out of my room. Even now, as I think about it, I feel her despair.

As defensive sibling tones dug in their heels and exasperated adult voices filtered in from the other room, I took my place beside her. Gently rubbing her back, our feelings intermingled in the open space between us: my undying respect for her essence and her feelings of brotherly betrayal. I breathed in her feelings; she breathed in my calm. My presence helped her manage her own feelings. As an adult, I have the cognitive abilities to understand and integrate heart-impacting emotions. At seven, with the presencing of a caring adult, she was also able to integrate profound feelings into a bigger picture of a sibling she adores and who adores her. 

Soon, we had a pleasant conversation, not about sibling conflict but about other things of interest we shared. This was all because I was present without trying to talk her out of her feelings or intervening in the specifics of what had happened. (I couldn’t have done so effectively if I’d wanted to because I didn’t know them.)

In this act of presencing, or co-regulation, I gave my grandchild the emotional support she needed without intervening in my son and daughter-in-law’s skillful parenting. Doubtlessly, her parents would have helped her with the feelings later, but I like to think my serendipitous moment helped release some pressure. For me, the gift is that I am a part of a multigenerational family, which allows me to be a part of my grandchildren’s lives.

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The image attached to this post is from https://www.pesi.com/blogs/connection-co-regulation-using-self-awareness-to-model-self-regulation/