The first five weeks, the first ten days home

Like decaying pipes beneath the city
it erupts like an unpredictable Old Faithful,
joy and hope and even laughter
turn to sobs in seconds.

Uncontrollable,
the salty tears spew upward and outward,
disrupting all sense of normalcy.

***

The energy bleeds from my body,
making it hard even to walk or
get out of bed in the morning.

As energy bleeds,
my face melts, as if it were waxen
or Odo in desperate need of his pail.

***

It dogs me like a puppy
pouncing when my pace slows.
Sharp and tiny teeth irritate vulnerable flesh.

Soft, cuddly, and playful,
even joyful memories include
the sting of those tiny teeth.

***

That moment of restoration and peace as I wake brings hope
but reveals grief’s waking hold five weeks after his body stilled.

***

The events!

His desperate air hunger lives in knots
beneath my ribs and in my colon
while tears slowly drip from the corner of my eyes.

The images!

Closing my eyes makes the images technicolor
and so I sleep less.

The sounds!

Raspy breath moving

in

and

out.

In and out.

Gone.

***

The feel of your beard and straw hair as I stroke your head hug you and say again, I love you Daddy.

You’ve taught us well. We will care for one another. The yoke is heavy but I will hold your family – our family – together.

Your legacy is strong.